When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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