i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
