listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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