So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
