the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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