i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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