i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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