Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dignity is for republicans.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
