the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
