Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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