Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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