you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
