Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
