Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
