I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
