Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
