Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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