I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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