and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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