Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my shit smells like andre
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
