My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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