Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
