Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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