i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It was confusing and full of hummus
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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