I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
