you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
