when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
