I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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