I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
