for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
