If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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