Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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