Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
