I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
