I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
