I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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