You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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