When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
