I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
