Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
