You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
