you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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