I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
