Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
