Only a mothe r could love this liver
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
