My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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