@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
its liver damage thursday
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
