Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i now understand why vodka
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
