Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
