I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
