sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
