I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
