we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
