is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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