I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Even the bartender felt bad for me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
