I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
