This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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