what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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