I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
